Thursday, January 15, 2009

God Gave Us Instincts

I know it's been a while since I've blogged....sorry, classes have started back, I have a lot more clients, and I'm preparing to take my boards this semester. I'll try to do better with the blogging though.

Well, I wanted to share a story with everyone that will hopefully inspire you to trust your instincts, especially those of you who are females. Last night, I stopped off at Wal-Mart to get a few things for dinner; it was around 6:00. I began to notice that the same man kept showing up in the isles I was in (and I was being very random in my shopping, not going down adjacent isles), and he had no buggy, only a 6-pack of cokes and some chips. He kept making eye contact with me and smiling. So I tried to keep from being paranoid, but then as I was checking out, he walked right in front of my line toward the door (which happened to be right in front of the doors), all the while looking back at me several times. So that was when I called a good friend to see if I was just being paranoid (I don't tend to be paranoid, distrustful - maybe, but nieve - not very). As I was telling her the story, the guy stopped right outside the sliding doors, stepped off to one side and began staring back inside through the doors. That's when my heart began to start beating faster and faster, and I began to feel very nauseated. I have a history of panic attacks, so I tried to keep myself calm, as hard as it was not to think of all the things that could happen. Thankfully, my friend on the phone encouraged me to get security to walk me out. By the way, Wal-Mart was very nice when I requested that, and the security guard told me to always trust those feelings. The guy wasn't waiting outside the door anymore as we walked out, but I have a strange feeling that he was waiting at the other set of doors since I had to go toward the other doors to get to the customer service desk. Anyway, the whole point of this is to say that, sadly, we don't live in a safe world. I'm not trying to make anybody scared or worried because that's obviously not what God would want for us, but I'm just encouraging everyone to be careful, aware, and to trust those feelings that I believe God gave us for a reason.

On this same note, God is really helping me through my anxiety and desire for control the more and more I am willing to listen. I feel like I have experienced so much this year that has been so out of my control - losing Sam and Steve, the horrible wreck, and now my experience last night. God has used all of these to bring me to a place of surrender. I'm sure I still have things I'm holding on to, but I have definitely seen my personality go from a very controlling, organized, planning, got-to-have-it-all-together person (in a freakish way, not that those things are bad things) to a more take-it-as-it-comes person. I know I'm not completely there, but I feel like this will be something God will work on in me for a long time. As chaotic as it feels to be this different, there's that peace that passes all understanding too. The lyrics in Sanctus Real's song "Whatever You're Doing" really encompass what I feeling:

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly